


The Silent Regard of Stars

by Lonyn



Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Dragoon Questline (Final Fantasy XIV), Dragoon Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Final Fantasy XIV: Heavensward Spoilers, Final Fantasy XIV: Shadowbringers Spoilers, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Patch 5.3: Reflections in Crystal Spoilers, Rough Sex, Series of Oneshots, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Viera Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:07:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29082870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lonyn/pseuds/Lonyn
Summary: A series of one shots revolving around the Warrior of Light, a Viera dragoon, and the progression of her relationship with Estinien Wyrmblood. Mainly my self-indulgent journey.
Relationships: Viera Warrior of Light/Estinien Wyrmblood, Warrior of Light/Estinien Wyrmblood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24
Collections: Final Fantasy XIV - Estinien Wyrmblood x WoL Recommendations





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! I'm finally getting around to posting my Warrior of Light's journey. This will be a series of oneshots, but connected. Most will probably be my self-indulgent smut, as well as their angsty pining for each other xD This first chapter contains NSFW content.

“You remember when we first met? You laughed at me,” Estinien let a grumble escape him and Rowah couldn’t help but laugh again. She drank from the bottle of ale as they sat in front of the fire at Gorgagne Mills. The first stop on their search for Lady Iceheart.

“Well, it wasn’t my fault you dramatically dropped from the sky in front of me. What did you expect me to do? Swoon over your presence?” She smirked his way listening to that typical ‘hmph’ escape him.

“Tis a wonder the eye called for you.”

“He jests!” She handed him the bottle of ale. “Drink some more; you’re a bit less cranky when you’re drinking.” He pushed her hand away with a grunt as she chuckled. She eyed him a moment. “You yourself have to admit how silly it all was. The trials, the drama, then I seem to remember you trying to kill me. That was fun.”

He groaned snatching the bottle of ale from her hand. “Must you continue to apprise me of that moment? Would you have me admit my weakness at my slip?”

She shrugged, “An apology would be nice. Are you that prideful?”

“Are you,” he snapped.

“Me? What do I need to apologize for?”

He stood, and she was taken aback by his sudden frustration. “You are…! You are quite vexing, you know that? I do not know what to think when I’m around you.”

She frowned, suddenly the good mood was doused in flames. Something was roused within him and she had to worry. Alberic bade her to take care of him, to watch out for him, when she told him they’d be journeying together. She wondered if he really did have control over his rage, Nidhogg’s rage especially.

“Do no look at me like that.”

Her frown deepened as she stood to challenge him. “You need not worry about me, Estinien. Worry about yourself.” She shot back, listening to his frustrated sigh. He turned on his heel and left her presence.

She felt frustrated with herself as well. It wasn’t like her to not flirt with someone she’d fancy to lie with. She didn’t have issues before, but this time was different. She couldn’t deny that she felt a flutter in her belly at his presence. She didn’t normally feel that way; normally it was an itch she needed to scratch and nothing more. She hated to admit to herself that she had feelings for him, but by the Twelve. It seemed as though she did.

~~

The stars were bright above them, a lovely evening painting itself across the skies when they’d made it to Tailfeather. The hour was late, they’d already eaten, washed, and practically gotten ready for bed, but the restlessness overtook him. He simply had to seek her out. Outside is where he found her sitting on a stump, gazing up at the stars as he’d so often begun to see her do. The moonlight shimmered against her skin, a dreamy look in those silvery hues. There were still people milling about and he crept closer.

“Rowah, may we speak? In private?” His deep voice was gruff, he knew, and he tried hard to soften it for her. He saw the look on her face change, a little narrowing of her wide eyes, and those ears of hers eased back ever so slightly. She was still irritated with him, that much he could tell, yet she stood from her perch and followed after him to his room anyway.

“What do you need of me, Estinien?” Her arms folded over her chest as the door shut.

“I need for us to act more civilized towards one another,” he blurted, not meaning to dive right in with so little tact. “This journey is sure to be long and arduous. It would do our group a favor if you and I were not at each other’s throats as well.” He grumbled the last bit out, knowing he’d already dug himself a malm deep hole.

She stared up only slightly at him, one brow raised. “How do you suggest I do that when I vex you so?”

“Pardon?” His brows furrowed.

“One moment you sing my praises as your fellow Azure Dragoon, and then the next we’re fighting.”

“Perhaps we wouldn’t fight if you did not think me a fool,” he snapped.

She snorted, heaving her shoulders up. “Perhaps if you think yourself a fool then you are.”

His brow furrowed, and he felt Nidhogg’s ire within him, goading him to anger. He shook his head as he placed his hand to his forehead, willing himself to gain control. It was difficult though, when all he could think about was wanting her. How their heated moments were only because he was trying to bury his feelings deep.

He was struck when they first met, this tall Vieran woman eased underneath his skin at her laughter alone. The way she sought him out to reason with him over and over until their confrontation. He couldn’t see past the revelation he was shown regarding Alberic. She gave him a sound thrashing, already a capable dragoon without Alberic’s, or his, help. Though it still burned, he couldn’t help that Rowah’s irritating prodding was exactly what he needed. However, he did not have the time to think of his selfish needs along this journey. He had to stay one step ahead of Nidhogg, one step away from his rage. His failure on the matter bubbled to the surface.

“I… Rowah. My intention was not to upset you.”

“Then what is your intention?” She moved closer to him. “What do _you_ want?”

His frustration was simmering again, his control waning. He couldn’t help that his body moved on its own, that his lips pressed so firmly against hers he forgot to breathe. It felt like everything stopped, that the world ceased to spin. What was he doing? In the split second that he thought to pull away she kissed him back so fervently that she caught him off guard.

He pressed again, her back hitting the door as he returned her kiss. He couldn’t help himself, the heat of the moment overwhelming him though he fought against the quickening need to slow himself down.

She didn’t, however, her hands pulling his tunic over his head as she wrapped her arms around his neck. The press of her body sent a shudder down his back. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d even had this kind of intimate contact, so preoccupied with his mission that he barely gave a second thought to _this_. He groaned, giving in to his desires as she did.

After their confrontation he hadn’t been able to get her off his mind. When he saw her again, the look she gave him burned him with shame, and he was glad she couldn’t see his face behind his helmet. He didn’t imagine she could feel anything for him other than disdain, but there’d been moments that allowed him to dare to hope she could see him as a comrade at least. He had no idea she would return his affections and that it would be so much more.

The press of her hands were warm against his chest, bringing him from his stupor, and he kissed her harder, tasting her; he wanted to be consumed by _her_ and not the simmering rage of Nidhogg. It’d been so long since he felt something other than the beast’s pain, and his own pain for that matter. He merely wanted to become lost within this moment.

“Estinien,” her moan was quiet, her hands wandering lower, and he took this cue to pull her tunic off, returning the favor as he skimmed her body with his palms and tugged her leggings down her hips. He led her to the bed, both of them discarding the rest of their clothes. He felt the chill on his skin, but the heat returned as she pressed her body flush to his.

He dared to run his hands over her flesh, squeezing her rear in his palms. His length was hard and throbbing between them, and his patience with himself was beginning to wane. She pulled him down onto the bed and he settled over her, kissing down her neck, but couldn’t stand his own teasing, growling at his impatience. He worried that he was moving too fast, that he was being too rough. Then his body went rigid when she grasped him.

Her hand was warm around him, stroking him, until he pulled it away from him and pinned her wrists beside her head. Too aggressive, he thought, he should be gentler with her, but her rips rose, her sheath sliding over him, wet, ready. He lost all hesitation.

He guided himself into her slick heat, too impatient to draw it out, and he hilted himself in one thrust as her hips met his. He gasped into her neck, grinding into her for a moment of bliss. Her breath caught in her throat, her fingers digging into his back. He groaned, pulling out to roughly thrust back inside of her, soaking up the sweet sounds she was making. He cupped her breast in his palm, stroking his thumb over her nipple feeling her flesh puckering beneath his finger.

His pace began to hurry, hips snapping in and out as he felt the buildup. Her breath quickened, and he gripped her thigh, pulling her leg up as he thrust inside her harder. That breathy _yes_ accompanying his motions nearly broke him, but he strained to hold on. He pressed his finger between her legs and she arched, trying to keep the moan she wanted to let loose at bay. Her walls were tight around him, pulsing as he continued to thrust, her warmth pulling him deeper. She wrapped her arms around him as she came and he ground his hips into hers, feeling his release overwhelm him. He groaned into her neck, coming down hard, moaning as he released himself inside of her. His body was tense, cock throbbing as her sheath pulled at him.

He finally remembered to breathe, his body beginning to relax. It was the most intense coupling he’d ever experienced, stars still dancing in front of his eyes. She was beautiful beneath him, panting, moaning softly. He kissed her, rocking his hips and enjoying the residual jolts of pleasure at their motions. However, he was exhausted from the day’s journey, their argument, the burden he bore, all of it, and moved to her side. The fog was beginning to lift and he struggled to comprehend what he would say to her on the morrow.

She rolled to her stomach, arm falling over his chest and he couldn’t help but oblige; her warm body nestling against him was a welcome combatant against the cold. He reached for the blankets and pulled them over themselves. Her lips were sweet against his cheek and he felt himself blushing.

She was far too kind, far too giving. Despite their fighting she would let it go easily, teasing him moments later. He couldn’t admit that he needed it, craved the camaraderie, despite doing his best to push anyone who tried to befriend him away. If he didn’t become close to people, then it wouldn’t hurt when they were ripped away from him. But he didn’t want to push her away. He wanted to pull her closer. “I am truly sorry, Rowah,” he muttered, and he couldn’t help the swiftness in which sleep took him.

Estinien knew not when he woke, the darkness still filled his room, and he realized she was gone from his side. It stung, he didn’t care to admit it to even himself. What a fool he was. He allowed his mind to wander, the journey they were on would be difficult. How could he ever think they could be anything when there was such an important task they needed to accomplish? He settled onto his side, letting sleep take him till morning light stir him.


	2. Chapter 2

Ysale and Alphinaud retired to their tents a while past as Rowah sat by the fire. The crackling flames mesmerized her, and it stirred something in her mind. A long forgotten memory, far past. It didn’t even feel like her memory, but it wasn’t really an echo. Echoes came with an urgency, an intense feeling. This was like a faded wisp.

It was still hard to remember her own childhood at times. She pieced together that she was their Warrior of Light, yet missed the last five years. She’d been there at Carteneau, yet whatever journey she had with the Scions before their reunion was lost to her. She didn’t try to find it.

Bits and pieces of broken memories found her; how her mother pleaded with her father to take her from their clan. How ironic her life began with an echo her mother received that her daughter would be important to some faraway land they knew nothing about.

She still felt the ache in her father’s heart. She remembered a moment when her mother was pierced with an arrow, crying out in pain. She watched from her father’s shoulder as their clan took her mother back with them as she and her father fled. She didn’t know if she was alive. Her father wept for days.

Gentle males weren’t common in their clan, weren’t allowed if she recalled correctly. They were the protectors; only allowed back into the village when they were to retrieve the boys to bring with them out into the jungle for their duty. Her father was different. Capable, kind, and so incredibly loving. His heart remained broken over her mother. Oft times she’d hear him cry himself to sleep.

It broke her heart. When she finally came to in the forest, alone and without recollection of her life, she made her way to the only place that sounded familiar. Gridania. When the memories of her childhood began to find her in pieces she finally ventured to the Lavender Beds to find their home occupied by another. She couldn’t expect him to stay. No one else even remembered her. Did he forget? Or did he think her dead and went home? She hadn’t found him, Viera were scarce out in these parts and males even scarcer.

“Something troubles you,” Estinien grunted as he came back with a pale of water. The cool night’s breeze brushed his white hair over his shoulders. They still hadn’t spoken of their night at Tailfeather. Admittedly she felt embarrassed at how easily her feelings overwhelmed her. They went from utter disdain in that moment to the most passionate night she’d ever experienced. So much so she still felt a delightful tingle spin up her spine from time to time.

She could tell he was embarrassed as well, and both were far too prideful to bring it up. They eased back into compliments of each other’s capabilities, and she continued to playfully tease him.

“Of course not,” she lied, leaning back on her arms. He scoffed, sitting down not too far from her.

“You lie terribly when you actually want to reveal your truths. One wonders if you do so purposefully.”

She scoffed with a smirk. “Perhaps…” She took in a deep breath. “My past comes to me in pieces these days. It’s hard to remember five years ago. Nothing of Carteneau remains, whatever journey I had then is also gone. I was thinking of my father though… I remember him.”

“What happened? You speak as though he passed.”

She glanced at him, lingering a moment on those intense blue eyes. “I do not know. When I remembered I found our old home. He wasn’t there. No notes, no trail.”

“Where could he have gone?”

“I hope he found my mother. Though I don’t know if she yet lives either…”

“I suppose it’s more agonizing not knowing than to know.” He muttered, sadness seeping onto his words.

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if Nidhogg hadn’t… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask you that. It’s inconsiderate.” She shook her head.

Silence spanned between them until he shifted. “Yes. I do. Though the life of a farm boy hardly seems fathomable these days. That soft child I was died that day as well. Rage and vengeance is all that remains.”

“Oh, Estinien,” she felt breathless. “That is not all that you are.”

“Hmph.” He turned his head.

“Do not lie and say that Alphinaud himself hasn’t become important to you as a little brother would be.” She saw him flinch and immediately she felt her heart drop. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t. Don’t be. You did not know.”

She pressed her lips tight. “Estinien, I…”

He sighed. “He is so much like Hamignant… Couldn’t find his own foot in the wilds, yet always had his nose in books.” She saw him trying to push away anger.

“It’s okay to grieve without anger, Estinien,” she pressed, and the flicker of rage had turned to a saddened gaze.

“Perhaps, though I know not how to do so. Rowah…” He looked at her and the fluttering dared to consume her chest.

“I believe we should get some sleep.” She quickly spoke, and his disappointment was quickly covered by a furrowed brow. He could pretend so easily just as she.


	3. Chapter 3

Alphinaud appeared at the doorway to the room he stayed in. He thought it best he be at the inn during this time. The devastation within House Fortemps was far too much to bear. His own guilt plagued him at not seeing the situation beforehand. His friend was gone and despite the attempts to push them all away he couldn’t deny how hard this one hit.

“Have you seen her?” Alphinaud’s soft, broken voice hit his ears. None, save Edmont, had been hit harder than Rowah. She and Haurchefant were like kin. He almost felt the shattering of her heart that day.

“I have not,” Estinien responded. He couldn’t deny the almost splintering of his own heart when he thought she was struck down instead. He’d been holding onto Aymeric, helping to keep him upright. He admonished himself for not stopping it all from happening. He never would have thought Haurchefant of all people…

“No… no one has seen her in days and…” The boy was trying to keep his tears at bay. He wasn’t in any condition to find her. Estinien knew that she would be okay physically; she didn’t need a guard. But her mind and heart… He stood quickly, grabbing his pack and coat.

“Someone has to have seen a Viera wandering Ishguard.”

Alphinaud sniffled. “Tataru said someone saw her at the gates.”

Immediately he knew where she’d go. “I will find her.” He promised the boy. “Go rest, Alphinaud. Head back to the Manor.” He nodded as he made his leave. He took the manacutter and set off towards Camp Dragonhead. If there’s any place she’d flee to it would be where they’d first met.

Upon his arrival he could see the somber tone amongst the knights. Already this place felt different, empty, hollow. It would never be the same here. He rounded the corner and there she was.

She sat across from the door to Haurchefant’s ‘Falling Snows’ headquarters. Aptly named. The snow was piling onto Rowah’s hair and her ears were firmly pressed back against her head. The look on her face caused an ache within his heart.

He slowly made his way towards her, he saw the bottle of ale clutched tightly within her grip. She looked up at him, frozen tears at her cheeks and eyes so sunken and broken. When it seemed to register he was in her presence she wiped at her face, but abandoned that sentiment to knock back more ale.

“Rowah,” he was at a loss. He wasn’t good at this; he was far from the right person to help someone cope with death.

“Go away.” Her words were bitter, harsh. “I want to be alone.”

He knelt down, pulling her arms until her cold hands fit into his. “Let’s go inside.”

“No,” she angrily pulled her hands away, grabbing the bottle as she stumbled to her feet. He rose with her, trying to catch her, but she pushed him away and she crashed against the wall. “I can’t do this.” She growled. “I can’t!” She shouted, heaving the bottle against the door where it shattered. “Why?” She choked back a sob. “Why would he do that, Estinien, why?”

He swallowed the lump in his throat. He had no answer. Haurchefant adored her dearly, he knew. He oft wondered if there was more between them, but she’d teased him about that thought one night at the tavern. Haurchefant never let him hear the end of it, and he quickly figured out how he harbored feelings for her. He teased him incessantly for it.

“How could he? I… I should’ve saved _him_.” She looked so defeated, and it ate at him that he had nothing he could do to ease her pain. He swept his arms around her. Holding her tight, cradling her head in his palm as she sobbed into his chest.

“I’m sorry, Rowah… It’s my fault… _I_ should have.” He felt her fingers curl his coat into her palms. He held her tighter until he’d finally coaxed her into the room. He set her in front of the fireplace as he got to work. When it blazed he finally felt better himself and found a blanket to wrap around her form.

She stared into the fire much the same as she did that night up in the clouds. It was a moment when he felt vulnerable. He couldn’t help how he felt around her. She calmed him in a way as well. He wanted to ask about their night in Tailfeather, but she quickly prevented him from doing so. That night still went unanswered, and it ate at him.

He sat down next to her and stared into the fire with her. They were quiet for so long he felt weary.

“There was nothing you could do, Estinien…” She rasped. “He… he made his decision.”

“Aye, but…”

“I know…” She responded. She took in a deep breath. “He would be so livid with me right now… It just… it _hurts_ … It hurts so much deeper and I don’t know why. When we…” she sniffed, “when we first met I felt as if we already knew each other. It sounds silly, but perhaps in a past life. As if we were connected already. And I… It feels as though I’ve lost him again.” She looked to him with glassy, mismatched grey eyes.

“It sounds far from silly, Rowah… We all know you shared a kinship.”

She nodded, staring at the fire once again. “There’s something about the fire and when I think of him…” She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Estinien.”

“For what?”

“For… That you came all the way to find me. I should have told someone.” For a moment he thought she was going to apologize for something else. No matter; this was not the time to think about something that happened months ago.

“Twas nothing. I used the manacutter.”

“Thank you,” she said. “Take me home, please. Take me back to Ishgard.”


	4. Chapter 4

Once Alphinaud and Aymeric departed, Rowah lingered, and the thought of being alone with her left his heart skipping a nervous beat. There was so much he needed to say, so much he needed to apologize for, yet there she was, perched on the side of his bed with that soft smile of hers as if he’d done nothing to wrong her. Every encounter they shared when he was possessed he could see her. He shouted that she needed to run that she needed to kill him to end his misery, yet his cries were silent. It was agonizing.

She wasn’t without her fresh scars from the battle either, neither was he, but he was far more concerned for her well-being than his own. Despite their rocky journey thus far, she still managed a kindheartedness towards him. The night by the campfire stuck with him. In that moment he believed her, that he wasn’t only rage and vengeance. Until he became it. It wasn’t until he had time to reflect that he realized how free he felt without Nidhogg’s influence. If it wasn’t for them… He didn’t want to think about that.

He had friends, people who cared about him. It felt good. Rowah refused to give up on him; this fearsome warrior whose light shined so brightly for those she cared for. To think that she could care for him sent his heart racing once more.

There was still the matter of their unspoken tryst floating quietly between them, neither willing to admit that it happened, let alone confess that they enjoyed each other. Both too stubborn, he assumed, and carrying far too much pride. He told himself it was only satisfaction and he imagined she did too when he’d awoken to find her absent from the bed they shared.

Yet, there was a part of him that yearned to cup her cheek in his palm, to run his fingers through her hair. To kiss her— kiss her like he _meant_ it and not only that he hungered for it. He never thought he’d _want_ to love let alone _be loved_ in return, but there was something about her. Something about her that made him want to tear down all the walls he built up around himself. To let people like her and Alphinaud into his life, and let old friends back in.

“How are you?” She finally spoke, the softness of her voice a welcome sound on his ears rather than the shouts he heard when he was under Nidhogg’s spell. Her screams at him to fight the dragon’s thrall, and his desperation to escape. He wanted to find her hand and let her pull him from the abyss, but he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough, and he certainly was too prideful to admit it before, but today… Today he felt he _had_ to.

“Better now… perhaps I can sleep now that Alphinaud’s mewling has ceased…” he joked, once again listening to her light chuckle. He couldn’t help but smile. “I will never understand what possessed the both of you to risk yourselves to save me…” he mumbled.

She stared down at the bed, her hand was in her lap and he could see the bandages wrapped around both. The pain she, and Alphinaud, must’ve gone through looked as excruciating as his felt. He could barely see them through the red haze, but he felt them there, their presence unmistakable. Yet there was something else that he couldn’t quite place his finger on.

“What happened? In those moments? There felt… something else was there.” Her eyes shot to meet his, surprise enveloping those silvered hues.

“Well…didn’t you recognize them,” she finally murmured, a bittersweet smile befell her lips. “Haurchefant and Ysale helped us…” her hand rested on the back of her other. “They gave us the strength to set you free.”

He was astonished. “I do not deserve such kindness…” he said. She reached for his hand, the warmth of her fingers curling to touch his palm.

“Cease your mewling,” she teased and his heart skipped a beat. He could only frown at her playfully.

“I should quit lest I begin to sound like Alphinaud…”

“Too late,” she smiled, leaning forward a little closer. Her tunic was too large for her frame, it slipped from her shoulder and he saw it. He knew he hurt her when Nidhogg trapped him within his thrall. The scar slid across her chest from her collar bone to her shoulder.

Concerned, he began to sit up despite the spots that blinded his vision for a moment, grunting and pressing his hand to her scar. “I did this.”

She shook her head, “you didn’t.”

“You continue to bestow upon me a gentleness and compassion that I have never earned…”

She shrugged, “It wasn’t always so,” she smirked. He could recall the amount of times they engaged in shouting matches and cold glares at the start of their journey. It seemed so long ago, almost as if it’d been a decade since their first meeting in Coerthas.

“I must ask for your forgiveness.”

“You’re in quite the mood tonight,” she said, curling those long legs of hers underneath her.

“Aye,” he grunted, “perhaps… yet I must ask for your forgiveness still… For what happened between us in Tailfeather. Or rather… What didn’t happen.” He watched her carefully, her cheeks summoning a rosy hue. “I should never have acted that way… To blame it on Nidhogg’s influence would be a lie to myself, a lie to you. I wanted you… desired you for myself. I should have spoken sooner… I should not have let you believe it meant… nothing.”

“I am the one who left…”

“Aye, that may be, but…” She leaned forward, pressing her lips against his forehead where his hair had parted. He was left silenced, immediately, waiting to see what happened next. He was no good in these situations.

“You cannot blame yourself… I wanted you too… And I never said anything either…” her voice was quiet, a shyness he did not think she could possess fell upon her, and he took advantage of her nearness to press his palm against her cheek. Before he lost his nerve he kissed her cheek close to her nose, one slip lower and he could have his mouth against hers, but he hesitated.

“If it takes the rest of my life I will find some way to repay you.”

“That sounds quite challenging.” She smiled, moving ever so slightly, her lips brushing against his.

“Tis one I will gladly undertake.” He couldn’t help himself from pressing in, those warm lips perfect against his. She responded slowly, he welcomed her gentleness. Their first kiss was so heated, so chaotic. This was every bit of the small sweetness he craved. He parted from her, grunt escaping him and the weariness creeping upon him at the worst time.

“You should rest,” she said, her palm settled against his chest as she gently nudged him down onto his pillows. He grabbed her sleeve before she could part from him.

“Lie with me… And stay this time.”

The warmth of her smile spread throughout his body, more so when she eased beneath his plush comforter and lay beside him. She curled into his side, sweet and soft little sigh escaping her. Would that he could hang it all up and stay with her, travel with her, _be_ with her. Yet there was a pang of disappointment. He couldn’t; she was far too important to so many others to waste her time with him. For now he’d have to enjoy this little moment he’d been granted, and live in the present. Who knew how long it’d be till she was whisked away on the next adventure?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me, it's so tropey, but Kugane, hot springs! I couldn't help myself xD I've had this written for a long while, but finally got around to finishing it. NSFW content ahead!

Rowah wandered out to the hot springs, it was late and she assumed no one would be around to disturb her. She padded quietly across the stones, the moonlight guiding her along the pathway. The day was long, and she felt frustrated at not being able to say what she wanted, needed, from Estinien before he could flee and leave her again.

She knew she had no right to be angry with him for leaving her in Ishgard without so much as a goodbye, or even a letter, considering she left his bed their first night together, but it didn’t change the fact that it stung. She thought they were finally in a good place. For once she finally let herself go, let her feelings bubble to the surface. He was vulnerable that night, as was she, as he recovered from his wounds. She’d never had feelings like that, and barely knew how to let them out. When she finally decided she would take that leap he was gone.

To see him show up so unexpectedly while helping Orn Khai… Well, she felt conflicted to say the least. She wanted to be angry with him, but just being together, fighting side by side for something so noble made her feel so good. She realized it wasn’t that she was angry it was that she finally felt what it was like when her feelings were discarded. As she’d done so many times before without a second thought. If he didn’t want her it was one thing, but she felt it. She knew he wanted her back.

She was lost within her thoughts when she made it to her destination, the spring that was the most private and secluded behind trees and bamboo, but she stopped in her tracks. She stared for a moment, Estinien’s bare back, and backside, was in view. The scars were striking against his skin in various places; there were new scars that she hadn’t gotten to feel yet. She felt embarrassment catch her off guard as he slipped into the spring and she was finally about to run off, turning tail to speed away when her name reached her ears in that deep voice of his.

“Rowah?”

She swallowed hard as she turned around, “ah, apologies, Estinien. I did not think anyone would be out this late.”

She heard his sigh as she looked at the ground. “Join me?” She heard him say and when she looked up she saw the embarrassment spreading on his own face. “We need not speak as though we aren’t… friends.”

She had to admit, it had become quite awkward, but she stood up straighter. Why should she feel awkward? She would get her answers from him tonight, hurt feelings be damned, and she boldened her stance. Strolling over to the spring, she bore no hesitation to toss her towel where his was lying. He averted his eyes quickly, but she didn’t care. She would make him see her.

She let the water ease upon her as she sat a few steps from him. The water settled above her chest; the lanterns surrounding them and moonlight filtering into their spot was all the light they’d been given this evening. He cleared his throat, averting his gaze.

“You can look at me, Estinien. It’s not as if we haven’t seen each other naked before,” she teased.

“Aye… tis true…”

Quiet settled upon them and she found herself growing more frustrated as each minute passed and the question dared to slip from her lips until it finally did. “Why did you leave without saying goodbye?” There, it was out there, and his blue eyes finally locked onto hers.

“Rowah… you are the—”

“If you say Warrior of Light I might throttle you. No, I _will_ throttle you.”

“Yet you are.” There was a sadness in his eyes. “You deserve the world for all you have done and so much more. I know that you are a person, one who yearns as I do, yet I cannot be a reason to keep you from your duty. From saving the next person that deserves your time.”

She burned a little. “Is that what you really want,” she shot, and the way he turned away told her everything. “I wanted you to stay in Ishgard with me. I wanted… I wanted to be with you for more than what little moment you gave us.”

“You speak as though we could have any future… that I could be good for you.”

She frowned, nearly ready to strike him upside the head. “How do you know that there isn’t a future between us? You are good enough for _anyone_ , Estinien. Do not put me up on a pedestal.” She had to calm herself down. “Not you.”

He turned away from her again; the silence threatened to consume her. “You deserve so much better than this broken husk…” He muttered.

She was growing more frustrated, “it is not true! You mean a lot to me.” She finally admitted. “It hurt when you left without even so much as a goodbye. After all we spoke about…”

“I care for you, Rowah. I would not have you believe otherwise. It would be cruel of me to deny to you how much you mean to me. Yet we shouldn’t allow it to go any further. If I were to get in the way of your purpose…” he shook his head, about to stand to leave but she knew he would flee at some point and she was there to grab his wrist and pull him back to sit causing the water to splash.

“Estinien, please…” she needed him, needed him to stay with her and not leave. “Don’t go.” She settled her palm to his cheek. “Why not both?”

“What?”

“There are no rules, no laws. I can continue my journey and you could come with me. We could be together.”

“Rowah…”

“Don’t fight me.” She eased in to press her lips to his, and she waited a moment, a hairsbreadth from his lips until he met her the rest of the miniscule gap and softly he kissed her. It was different this time, their kiss. The frenzy, the burning tension wasn’t there like the first time. He was free from Nidhogg, free from his tendrils of vengeance and rage and she could feel it in the sweetness of his kiss. Yet there was insistence on her part, desperation. She needed him to see _her_ and not the Warrior of Light.

His hand glided over her shoulder, touching the scar that slid from just underneath the left side of her collar bone and across that shoulder. He broke from their kiss, his lips brushing across her scar and she took this intimate moment to straddle his lap. His hands slid down her back, and she shuddered at the ease of his motion. They kissed again and she uttered a plea when he broke from her lips.

He brushed his hand over her cheek, thumb sliding across her lower lip until he sealed her mouth with his once again. She could feel his hardened length between them and she eased up, gripping him to slide down over him. She swallowed his groan until she gasped feeling him slip inside of her. The water jostled around them as she slowly rocked her hips, taking him in and out. She squeezed her eyes shut, whimpering, trying not to make a sound, but gods it was hard and he felt so good inside her. She’d been longing for this moment again for what felt like an eternity.

His hands were slick upon her skin, sliding down her hips and pulling her harder down upon him. It wasn’t rough like their first time, though she thoroughly enjoyed that, but the sensation felt deeper, and she bit back the moan that wanted to escape her.

“Wait,” he panted, holding her still. “Rowah, I want to hear you,” he kissed her.

“What?” She felt hazy, so wrapped up in him she could barely comprehend why he would stop them.

“My room,” he groaned, “now.”

She felt the loss of him as she got off of him, chuckling at his eagerness as he ascended from the water. He wrapped his towel around his hips, groaning at his sensitive situation. He offered a hand to help her out, looking her over and she wanted to shove him back to the ground and ride away the throbbing between her legs, but she had him, and she would bend to his silly request to move to his room.

She wrapped her towel around herself and he quickly pulled her along through the shadows. As they rounded a corner she tugged on his hand, pulling him in for a heated kiss. She was aching to feel him back inside of her though, as he clearly was when he broke from their kiss and moved them forward. They traveled up a set of stairs heading to the balcony off of his room and he almost ushered them inside until he seemed to have a thought.

“Wait. Your room. I will not have Orn Khai bursting through my door at the wrong moment.”

She couldn’t help the boom of laughter that escaped her. She clutched her chest, and he desperately tried to shush her.

“Row, please,” he looked pained and she tried to stifle her fit, but she couldn’t help herself. He pressed his lips to hers, and it effectively shut her up, bringing her desire back to the surface. She broke away abruptly this time, leading him a few rooms down and slid open the door to head inside.

The candles flickered inside their lamps, dimly lighting the room this late at night accompanied by the moonlight filtering through her window. Suddenly their eagerness slowed and she took this moment to really look at him. His hair, like hers, was tied back, pieces falling upon his brow. His steel blue eyes were fixed upon her as well. It felt so surreal that he was here, she never would’ve expected for him to show up while she helped Orn with his mission. Seeing him brought back all the irritation at his departure, but also the feelings she had for him. She didn’t know what love was, but her heart fluttered when she saw him, and ached without him.

He stepped closer to her, slowly, cupping her cheeks and pressing another sweet kiss upon her lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck, rising up on her toes, towel falling to the floor, and she was so wrapped up within his kiss she felt as though she could fly away at any moment. He hugged her tight to his body before he slipped his hands down her back and over her backside. He eased his lips over her cheek, down her neck, giving her a chance to catch her breath until her eagerness began to find her once more.

She tugged his towel away, enjoying the grunt that escaped him, and she pulled him towards her bed. It was her rules tonight, and she pushed him down onto its plush surface. He pulled her down with him, but she pushed him back to the bed and pinned his wrists. He grunted, but relented, letting her kiss down his chest until she sucked at his nipple, delighting in the puckering of his sensitive flesh.

He groaned, “This was supposed to be about making _you_ moan,” he uttered and she chuckled against his chest.

“Next time you can do what you want with me.” She tried to entice him, pressing her lips back to his. He nodded, but she had an aching feeling deep inside her that they wouldn’t be seeing each other for a long time again. She already knew she couldn’t convince him to travel with her, but she’d be damned if she wouldn’t make him miss her as much as she missed him.

She sat up straight, easing herself down upon him again. She shuddered, trying her best to slow herself down and keep a steady rhythm, but her eagerness was getting the better of her, as was his when he pulled her hips faster.

She moaned for him, and he moved to sit up, sealing a kiss to her lips. He bucked his hips into hers and she couldn’t help the noises that left her. “Gods, Estinien,” she whined, pressing her fingers into his back and finding his scars. He grunted, and she loved to hear him so vocal as well. She figured he’d be a quiet lover, but was pleasantly pleased that he let it go as well. Hearing him, his throaty growls and groans turned her on even more.

She thrust down on him, grinding her hips into his, body tensing until she came, wrapping him tightly in her arms. She felt him come moments later, body quaking at his release as she rippled around him. When she finally caught her breath she kissed him, long and hard.

When they finally untangled themselves to lie back she was content to watch him. She wondered if he fell asleep until he turned to face her, finding her lips for another sweet press. He sighed when he broke away from her to lie on his back again, and she wasn’t ready to face another conversation like before.

She moved, placing her arm on the other side of him as she came into his view, hovering over him. “Promise me you’ll find me again. That’s all I ask.”

“You… need not wait for me, Rowah. I would not deprive you of pleasure when I… I cannot figure out the path I should walk,” he murmured.

She frowned down at him and he turned his head to the side. “Come with me?” When he didn’t say anything she chuckled softly. “You cannot fault me for trying.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be… It’s selfish of me to push… Just know that… I care about you a lot, Estinien.” She closed her eyes, about to move away when he pressed his palm to her cheek.

“I care for you too… I know you are capable, but it does not cease my worrying for your well-being. I worry that someday you’ll…” He trailed off.

“What?”

“That you’ll sacrifice too much of yourself for the world.”

“Estinien…”

“Rowah, you give far too much of yourself as it is. One day… I worry you’ll give too much. I know not what plan your Hydaelyn has for you, but… Do not give too much of yourself to Her. You don’t owe Her anything. You never did.”

She sighed, easing down on his chest. She settled her chin on her arm and stared at him. “You demand much,” she teased.

“Hmph,” he grunted, finding an errant curl to twirl his finger around. “What drives you so?”

She raised a brow, but then there wasn’t any answer that came to mind. “I don’t know… I just… I want to help people. I want to keep them safe.”

“Then let others worry about keeping you safe. You’ve plenty of people who worry over you.”

“Hm… Worry over whether or not their savior will be gone from them you mean.” Her words dripped with cynicism, she knew. Yet she couldn’t help feeling that way sometimes. When the words ‘don’t die, you’re too bloody useful’ echoed in her mind every once in a while it bothered her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply… Going to Ishgard was the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel like I was expected to help. I offered it freely in gratitude for all the Fortemps gave to me. I felt like I’d found people who truly cared about me.” She smiled, feeling his thumb trace her cheek down to the corner of her mouth.

“You have a wonderful smile, Rowah,” he muttered, and the way he said it made her want to giggle. She buried her face in his chest trying to hide the way her face lit up. She laughed at herself. “You’re laughing at me again.”

“No,” she protested. “I’m laughing at myself.”

They talked a little while longer, till she fell into a blissful sleep in his arms. She didn’t want the morning to come, already knowing she had to head to Ala Mhigo as soon as possible. Another hearkened call via linkpearl, another mission. She hated it sometimes, but she knew she was lying. She loved helping, loved having a purpose.

When they woke they ate breakfast in comfort. She could get used to the simplicity of sitting with one another, no dire mission looming in front of them, nothing. Just the idle chatter and loving looks. The smiles. She couldn’t help cracking a grin when he smiled her way. Orn Khai even appeared to send her off.

They tried to hide their little looks of affection towards each other, but it quickly became apparent to Orh Khai’s keen eyes. He knew it, or so he claimed in his smug demeanor, in which Estinien began to argue with him. She laughed. It was nice.

She gave Orn a hug before he left them alone at the boat dock. “You could stay another day. Or two.”

She laughed, nose wrinkling as she made a face at him. “Are we bartering with each other’s time now?”

“Perhaps,” he grunted.

She sighed, “Duty calls I’m afraid.” He muttered under his breath for a moment. “Look at how we’ve grown,” she teased. “No leaving in the middle of the night. A proper sendoff in the daylight. I’d say we’ve finally become emotionally mature adults?”

“Hmph,” he narrowed his eyes her way. He kissed her cheek, pulling back and she shook her head, ready to steal a kiss from his lips before she left. He stopped her though, shaking his head this time. “Your kiss would only tempt me further. You know what you’re doing.” She sighed, pressing her lips to his cheek then another, and another till she settled a final one at the corner of his mouth.

“Fine,” she said. “Just remember you owe me.”


	6. Chapter 6

“Gaius isn’t the only one with business to attend to.” He grunted at their request. His stint as a Scion was meant to be short lived. He didn’t want to be shackled to an order, but he wouldn’t refuse to help them in times of need. He looked back to Rowah. She bore a sad and pained look on her face that made his heart ache.

Though their parting in Kugane wasn’t hurtful, he still missed her, and only needed to look into those eyes to see how much she missed him too. The terms they parted on weren’t harsh either, a sweet goodbye that he could still imagine. Yet nor was it a happy goodbye either.

He should’ve stayed with her when he delivered her unto Aymeric’s care after he dove in to rescue her at Ghimlyt Dark. She deserved more than to hear it from Aymeric that he simply left without a word yet again. If he did, he was like to stay by her side, but he would only be in her way. Her companions needed her more than he selfishly thought he needed her.

He couldn’t believe when Tataru said where she ended up being. It was barely fathomable, but, suspiciously, things with Rowah seemed to work out that way. She was different, and she seemed even more different now. There was something off about her, something that he couldn’t quite place in her spirit. He could see a lot had happened to her, and though he wanted more than anything to be there for her, to hear her tell him all of it, he knew he should hit the road as soon as possible. He did have business to attend to, and she was far from finished with her own.

“Farewell, Rowah,” he nodded to her, “see that you don’t make a habit of dozing off in battle.” He wanted to cross the distance between them, wanted to wrap her up in his arms, but there were far too many prying people.

Their eyes caught and he couldn’t help but be rooted to his spot. She was pleading with her gaze. “Will you not stay? At least for a little while?”

Jovially, Tataru reached into the air. “Yes, a splendid idea. You must be weary from your travels. We have plenty of space! Rest a night, Estinien!”

He grunted catching sight of Krile looking between he and Rowah. He wasn’t sure if Rowah had divulged their secrets with anyone, but those wily little Lalas could certainly figure it out, especially with the way he instinctively rushed to her when she had her echo. He couldn’t help it, a habit since their journey together. He would clutch her shoulders, brace her, worried that she would fall if he did not.

Krile had looked upon him suspiciously then as she was now, until a smirk appeared and she looked all the more sinister. “Yes, Estinien, I do believe that a good night’s sleep and some of Tataru’s stew is in order, lest you want us to divulge that which I saw in Kugane to your dear friend.”

He glared down at the woman, and he still wondered if she even saw anything at all. He wasn’t sure what terribly embarrassing memory she plucked if she really did, and he didn’t want to find out which one it could be. Hopefully it was not an embarrassing vision involving his pathetic pining.

“Aye, I suppose I shall take a night to rest.” He saw the small smile rise on Rowah’s lips.

Krile cleared her throat, “Ah, Tataru, mayhap we should look in on that stew?”

“Hm?” Tataru was naïve enough until she looked between him and Rowah and her eyes widened. “Ohh, yes, yes of course! We shall see you both at supper time! Please do not be late!”

They were left alone save for the others milling about across the room. “Shall we go for a walk?” he suggested, wanting to get away from prying eyes. Knowing those two women they would certainly not be leaving them completely alone if they were to stay here.

She nodded and she walked beside him as they made their way out of the Rising Stones. Mor Dhona was more alive than ever, from adventurers to crafters alike bustling about. The air felt awkward as they slowly walked up the hill meandering around, until in typical theatrical dragoon fashion the two of them found themselves on the highest tower. This vantage was much better, up high and ever watchful is where he felt the most comfortable.

They sat side by side on the edge of the ledge as they watched the sun slowly descending closer to the horizon. The sky was a brilliant orange this dusk, and he found himself missing Ishgard, missing the now typical snow showers as the sun tried desperately to peek from behind the clouds. He found it hard to believe the way Coerthas was before. Snow and cold seemed right at home in and around there now.

“Do you miss Ishgard?” he found himself asking.

“Very much so.”

“I spoke with Lord Edmont before I left for Garlemald. He said to me if I should come upon you to tell you that he misses his daughter.” The smile that finally found her lips was worth that little message he was to deliver, and he felt himself ease at her warmth.

“I miss _you_ too,” she muttered and his eyes shot to her sheepishly bowed nod. “It was hard in the First.”

It felt like an eternity since he’d last swept her up in his arms during his rescue of her. So much and so little time seemed to span between that and this. So many things had come to pass. “What happened? Tell me.”

“An endless sea of sun. Warped creatures called Sin Eaters. Each region I visited there was a strong one, and when we took it down we found that I could absorb its light, bringing a normal cycle in each place.”

“Rowah… How?”

She shrugged, “I don’t know… At first it wasn’t difficult, but… towards the end. It nearly tore me apart.” He could see the pain it caused her written clearly on her face. It took more than a toll on her. He resisted the urge to slide his fingers across her jaw and into her hair. He shouldn’t, it would only cause more heartache between them. From the sounds of it, she was going back, and he had his own journey to take. He also didn’t know if she’d found another to spend her time and affection with.

“The burden placed on you is far greater than it should be. Yet, I know you. You would not have it any other way.” His fondness for her was ever after, especially when he looked upon her in this light. He worried for her, worried that she would give too much. She had, and still she persevered.

There was a sadness there but a moment till she returned his smile and looked to him. “You’re right. I’ve always felt this pull and tug to adventure. To help people. Though sometimes it’s hard, sometimes I’d rather hole away somewhere… I cannot. With our time in the First… I learned something that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. I’ve glimpsed memories, echoes of a past that… They’re mine yet they’re not mine. A shard of what was once whole.”

“I would not doubt it. You are important, Rowah.”

“Am _I_ though? Or is it just… her?”

“No, tis _you_.” He pressed, and tipped her chin to look up at him. He couldn’t help himself, each time they were close he found it more and more difficult to leave her side. Her insistence at his presence, how she implored to him that she needed him. He needed her too, but her journeys were beginning to take her to places he was unable to follow. He knew it would happen, eventually, but he hadn’t expected that it’d be this soon.

He let out a sigh, dropping his hand and looking down below. He felt a sweet kiss press to his cheek and she lingered. He smelled the lightly perfumed scent of her, an Ishgardian flower he couldn’t quite place a finger on. But he smelled it every time she was around and it was a reminder of home. That she felt like home more than anything.

She let her head rest upon his shoulder, her hand slipped down to his and he let her thread her fingers with his. The sun finally descended at the horizon, orange, purple, and blues mixing for a brilliant show. The stars were beginning to dot the sky and he knew how much she loved to gaze upon them.

At some point they laid back, and he could stay like this forever with her nestled at his side as they looked upon the stars. She fit so easily by his side and he savored the warmth of her.

“I found something else out. That our souls are not whole.”

Confusion found him as he looked to her. “What?”

“In the days of the Ancients something brought about calamitous interference with their creation magics. To combat this, a group summoned a primal. The first summoning. Zodiark. Half their people were sacrificed to feed him and save them. Then another half was needed. But when they wanted to sacrifice the new life that bloomed to bring back the others that were sacrificed, another group had enough and summoned Hydaelyn. She sundered Zodiark, and in so doing, sundered this world into thirteen shards.”

“You can’t be serious?” It was hardly fathomable.

“I wish I made this up, but I… It all makes sense. Why I’ve felt like I wasn’t really me, like there was something missing. The Ascians were the ones who summoned Zodiark. Lahabrea, Elidibus… And Emet-Selch were the only three who weren’t sundered. They’ve been causing calamities to rejoin shards, and when each of the shards rejoins we gain another piece of ourselves.” He sat up and looked at her lying there. She was right, there were moments he oft wondered why he felt… Incomplete. Why something unexplainable seemed to happen after the last calamity. Why for a while they couldn’t remember certain details.

“You’ve certainly told quite the tale.” He blew out a sigh. She turned on her side, staring at nothing in particular. What she went through was enough to make anyone go mad. “Are you alright?”

A soft, saddened smile spread on her lips. “Not really. I experienced a rejoining myself.” She finally sat up, curling her legs underneath her. “My counterpart on the first’s soul was wandering. In order to stop Emet-Selch he joined with me. It feels strange. He’s here, but not. I don’t know how to explain it.”

It was hard to process. They’ve been going about their lives not realizing they were incomplete, and that their world was incomplete? Though he felt the cost was too high a price to fix the Ascians mess.

“We are perfectly fine the way we are,” he uttered, and saw the quizzical look upon her brow. “The price to fix the mess they started… It’s wrong. All the calamities of our past. I don’t care whose soul mine used to be. It’s sickening what they’ve done,” he growled. “I saw first-hand, I need not explain again that which you already saw of my memory. Seeing their plans for that weapon, Black Rose, gave me chills. We cannot let them keep doing this.”

“I understand their desperation, but you’re right. The cost is far too great. We aren’t even people to the unsundered. I can’t help wanting to know about that past though. Unfortunately Elidibus is still out there, and I don’t know what he’ll do next. I have to go back. We have to find a way to bring back the Scions souls.”

He frowned. He didn’t want her traveling back there. It already almost took her away from him for good. Despite the odd in-between space they were in, he didn’t want to prevent reunions like this. He understood though. The Scions meant a lot to her too, and he wouldn’t even think about preventing her from going back.

He felt her hand on his cheek, and he took comfort in her warm smile. He would never cease to miss seeing those freckled cheeks and kind eyes. He eased in and kissed her, feeling her press back, and it felt so good to kiss her again. He knew he missed her, but he realized how much. A lot needed to sink in regarding her story, and he was glad that he stayed.

He needed this. Needed to know that she was doing as well as she could be. Their kiss deepened, and he could feel the heat surrounding them. He broke away a moment, panting as he settled his forehead to hers.

“I’m glad you remembered.” She was breathless.

“Hm?”

“You owed me a kiss, and that was almost worth the wait.” She grinned at him and his brow knotted.

“Hmph, almost?”

“Well… It’ll be worth the wait when we’re naked later.”

He felt the heat color his cheeks. “I don’t seem to recall this place having private rooms.”

“Hmm,” she hummed. “We’ll have to get creative then. Who knows when you’ll allow us to see each other next?”

He resisted the urge to grunt again. “You travel to other worlds and blame me for how long we’re apart?”

“Excuse me?” Her nose wrinkled as she made a face at him, and he had to keep himself from smiling to keep up their teasing one another. “You have a linkpearl. When I call, you could answer.”

He smirked, “Then call. You haven’t even tried yet.”

She glared at him. “I didn’t know you had one. If you don’t answer when I get back then—”

“I promise. I will answer if I can.”

She smiled finally, giving him a quick peck. “Good. Let’s go eat then.”


	7. Chapter 7

The sunset orange crystal practically gleamed as she held it up between her fingertips. What mysteries and secrets did it hold?

If she were honest with herself, she would admit it frightened her. What exactly would they be? Those memories? Would they be Azem’s? Or would they be tempered by Emet-Selch’s? Perhaps they were Hades’. Perhaps it was before the sundering, before the summoning, when he was clear of mind, but duty bound.

She sat up looking out over the view of Ishgard. It was clear this day, almost a tad warmer with the sun shining brightly down upon them.

“I don’t even know your name… my name…” She corrected herself, though that person felt all at once a stranger and yet the very foundation of her soul. With Ardbert’s joining she couldn’t deny that things felt clearer. She was even able to grasp upon Elidibus’s fractured memory. Perhaps it was as he said when they first met. That as her soul pieced itself together the echo would become stronger, more complete.

Yet there were so many questions in her mind. She wanted the answers, but she didn’t know how to find them. Were they within this crystal? Or would she only find more heartache and despair? More likely the latter; it already made her heart ache.

She’d felt an odd familiarity with Emet-Selch. One she tried to bury. It wasn’t until Hythlodaeus that she softened, though the reason why left her confused. Everything he said felt like confirmation she hadn’t known she was seeking. And when Emet, no _Hades_ , pleaded with her to remember… an echo felt like it wanted to lurch forward, but it didn’t.

When he helped to save her in the final battle versus Elidibus, it only cemented that needling belief that Hades himself meant something to her. That they meant something to each other. And upon the final blow and seeing Elidibus so helpless, so fragile, the tears flowed for reasons she still could barely fathom. Azem’s tears.

Once she called them friends. Once they’d shared bonds and hardships; they’d shared a kinship. To know what she knew now? And to know that she’d been striking them down at every turn…

She knew she shouldn’t feel bad. What they were doing was wrong on so many levels; their way was not the right way. She felt it deep in her bones. Her desperation bleeding forth from her as she pleaded with the thirteen of them that Zodiark was not the way. They had to find a different method. One by one they disagreed. The pang of betrayal in her heart came by way of Hades not being on her side this time.

She sat up straighter with a startled realization. That memory came to her freely. Without warning she’d dipped into a clear moment, and just as soon as she’d grasped it she lost it.

Her thumb slid over the surface of the crystal. At what time would be the appropriate time to dive into its depths?

“What say you,” she spoke, looking over her shoulder at the stone behind her back. “I have my suspicions you know… of why you and I were as close as we were so quickly.” She leaned against its cool surface. “Were you and I friends in another life,” she asked the wind. “You’ve guided my hand in your afterlife before… was that you in Amaurot, Haurchefant?” Her words died on a whisper. There was something undeniable about Hythlodaeus. How she trusted his shade from the moment he spoke.

She always wondered why Haurchefant felt so important to her when they first met. Why their friendship already seemed so deeply rooted. Why his death echoed into the very depths of her soul. She confessed to Estinien how it felt as though she’d lost him again.

“You’re a cheeky bastard, you know that? You and Hythlodaeus both if you are not one.” A breeze ghosted by her, its cool comfort brushing through her hair, cooling her sun-washed skin. She held up the crystal again. “In due time, Azem. In due time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have some thoughts, and crazy theories. I'm sure I'm wrong, but I can't help feeling like Haurchefant was Hythlodaeus. I want to be wrong, because I want Hyth to be out there for us to meet again in the source, but... I don't know, it just seems like it could work! xD Also I want the WoL to eat the forbidden jolly rancher soon, because I NEED to know its secrets, please!


End file.
